I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
