...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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