Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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