I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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