I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
