I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize