I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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