my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
