I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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