It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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