no, he came in my armpit
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Of course I have a pirate flag
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
