Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
