All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
you had me at cake vodka
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
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