Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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