I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
