I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
soo... how was my night?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I think i got beer on your cat.
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