When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
