i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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