I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
