when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
