You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize