did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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