Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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