chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
