My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
