So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
