they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
