Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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