I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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