a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
