How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
