also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Boobs speak an international language.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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