Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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