two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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