Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
