My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
