So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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