For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
