I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
