What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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