my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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