I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
