you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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