I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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