Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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