I faked an abortion last night.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Every concussion has its silver lining
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
