Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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