I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
