No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
