you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize