The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
