The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
