1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
