I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
