you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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