How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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