Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
