dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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