do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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