There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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