one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
this will be a night to untag.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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