I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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