I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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