I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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